Broken home? Broken heart?

3/3/2013

PHOTO BY JEFF MARTIN

Some breakups are hard, some are not so. The hard ones affect your entire life. Your home, your health, your finances, your kids, and spiritual life, sometimes your job. I carry love for those I have loved always. I don't stop loving someone when they are gone. I just try to put it somewhere else.

This weekend even in a place of happiness, there has been an undercurrent of heartbreak in me, and I wonder who else is hiding some loss? I truly wish I had a magic pill for heartbreak, but I don't. I have some ideas and share those with you when they work, but maybe you guys have some advice that has worked for you that you can share in the comments.

I have written about focusing on your own life, finding your true fulfilling purpose, being still and listening to what God has to say to your spirit, and all the remedies for loneliness. But, there is a step further to healing from heartbreak. Even when you are no longer lonely, even when you are living in your purpose, heartbreak can linger and color your life. Or un-color it. Have you ever noticed that when you are even a little sad everything looks subdued? My favorite ways to de-sad myself are music, color, cleaning, sunlight, and taking care of myself in some way. Maybe dinner with friends, taking a long walk at the track, or stopping to get coffee will break the dreary spells when they intrude?

After all the stages of loss, (which will include anger at some point), you will get to a place where you need to start moving forward, saying "yes" more. I got stuck in the "but I don't understand" stage. I don't understand how someone who loves me would do these things.  I don't understand that if someone loves me, they wouldn't fight for me." Let it go. They probably don't know either. The only way out is to forgive and stop needing answers. Whatever happened, if it has been talked out and there has not been a resolution, let it go. Saying that feels awful, but it does not make it less true.

You might have to command your heart and mind to get unstuck.  Moving forward comes when you take charge of your heart, forgive, and let go. Not so easy in many scenarios, but forgiveness is necessary to getting back into life. There is a place where you will forgive yourself for moving on from someone; there is a place where you will forgive the other person for not choosing you or being your home anymore.

Home has changed.

Barefoot and writing,

Kim

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4 Comments

Bonnie

3/24/2013 02:58:51 pm

You know the healthy thing is to "let go", but when you have been married to someone for 17 years and he is your "prince" and the father of your children and the one you love with your whole being and is the center of your universe it is so hard to let him go. I found myself in that situation myself and it turned my whole world upside down. For years! Not only did I have my own pain to deal with, I had to observe my children in pain - the innocent ones who did not deserve one miniscule second of any kind of pain. He didn't have to; he was in his "other life" and "starting over" while I was trying to hold together what was left of the remnants of our broken home and broken lives although it was all I could do to hold myself together. Oh, he had his regrets; he was basically a very good man; a man I admired, respected, and looked up to; perhaps too much. It took a while for me to even begin to think about dating again and I found myself comparing him to every man I did go out with when I did and they always fell profoundly short. Consequently I was single for almost a decade while he re-married within months of our divorce. There were times I desperately wanted to hate him; I thought that perhaps it would make it easier on me if I just could - but I never could. One can't turn love on and off like a light switch, at least I couldn't. I was embarrassed to go to church without him because I didn't want the pitying looks and I felt as if the whole church "knew", which only caused me more humiliation. I tried. But it only reminded me of how much I missed him. I missed his footsteps coming up the sidewalk after work, I missed him at the dinner table, I missed him when I lay in what was once our room at night staring at his empty pillow and side of the bed. I missed him in the mornings getting ready for work and I missed him in the family room watching TV with the family. I missed him saying good night to our girls. I missed his voice; his things, that other half of me. I missed him when I had to take our youngest to the ER with a high fever in the middle of the night - alone, when I had to take our eldest to Emory for her kidney checkup. I missed him at the Parent Teacher Conferences; at the Friday night football games watching our daughter cheer and her friends play ball. I missed him when something broke at home that I couldn't fix; a frozen pipe, a broken washer, a car that wouldn't start, a yard that needed mowing, a garage that needed cleaning. I missed him in the grocery store, at the mall at Christmas buying for the kids and putting up the Christmas tree. I missed him at his place at the head of the table on Thanksgiving and on Easter egg hunts with our youngest at Easter. I missed him when I was sick or one of the kids were sick. I missed him talking with me about our kids; no one could feel the pride in them and love - or the concern about them that we did. They were our favorite subject. Talking about them brought us so much joy. I think I missed that most of all. His presence meant so much during all the above times. Plus we had built a history together and there was no way that anyone else could be a part of "our" history. The thing that helped me the most was finally - after years of being heartsick to the bone - was being able to let go as you said. And without the help of God I don't think I would have been able to, but God does not want His children to be miserable. I returned to church and got over feeling humiliated by our divorce and being without him, held my head high, and carried on. I got involved with a singles group and a Bible study. I also returned to my love of dancing and I went often. I exercised every night. When the pain began to clutch at me I would get up and instead of thinking about it, I would go into my exercise routine. Exercise works wonders not only on the body but emotionally and mentally as well. Instead of staring at the empty pillow beside me I read my Bible and it comforted me. I redecorated the house, I took vacations. I got the dream car I always wanted (a brand new black & gold TransAm) and I made new friends and socialized. I felt myself getting stronger and stronger. I bought myself a brand new house and spent a lot of time decorating it to my liking only - no man to please and I have to admit that was fun! I bought new furniture and reached out to my new neighbors and became friends to the single mom across the street from me. I could actually say one day and mean it as I sat in my TransAm in front of my new home, "I feel GOOD! I'm happy again!" and oh, how good that felt!! Then I met my present husband. Since I was feeling good about myself again and feeling happy it was easy to fall in love with him and we are together today. We have been married almost 23 years. Letting go helps to bring about newness into a life, forming new memories, and building a new history..

kimberlycarol

2/10/2015 04:58:17 am

I was re-reading this post on a broken home and I just wanted to tell you how I appreciate you taking the time to comment with details on how you overcame your own break up. Each time someone shares their experiences, the opportunity for healing increases. You mentioned exercise, and working on my body and health was one of the things that brought me back to center as well. Decorating my home for just me got me out of the house in an activity that wasn't work. Concentrating on moving forward after loss and some time to grieve gives us somewhere to head, so thank you on behalf of my readers and myself for more ideas on how to move forward again.

Tracie

3/27/2013 08:27:56 am

I'm so proud to call you my friend.

Kim link

5/1/2013 03:54:32 pm

And I am so proud to call you my friend too

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