don't even know where to begin. It is December, not yet cold here in Georgia, where I came to visit my best friend.  I am almost thankful for the warm weather, because I love the cold and starry Christmas season and this year I can't deal with it. I am sure that at sometime most people have dealt with these same feelings. Maybe it was a birthday you couldn't bear or a holiday that was hard because you lost someone, but when we lose people, some just hit you harder than others. 

Years ago, I had a dear friend whose death was ruled a suicide and I walked around numb for days after, then weeks of being on edge with the ones still living. If there was any way to fix it, I never found it. Whenever I pass his house, I still get that sick feeling in my stomach that if I had done this or done that, would it have made a difference?  Was I one of the reasons or people that made him feel alone in some way, so much that he could not take one more second?  Loss is hard, sometimes horrible and the holidays make it all harder, but there have been a series of tragedies in my life related to December's loveliest colors:  the one we buried on Christmas (my father in law) the one who I last saw on Christmas Day 1984 (my mom), the one who I always visited at Christmas and sang hymns with (my mamaw), the who made Christmas for everyone in her family (Debbie) the ones who are not here this year at Christmas for the first time (our Debbie, my mom in law), the one I could depend on to come home at Christmas (my dad), the one I sang our Christmas song with (Justin) the one who I planned Christmas programs with and led music with (Kevin) the one who called me baby and treated me like I was her daughter too , especially at Christmas (Joan),

and I feel fragile, and also angry. 

I feel so broken, so fragile, that the simplest self centered act I see sends me into an inner rage against mans inability to think about anyone but themselves.  I am so mad at people for whining over someone hurting their feelings, or how they can't afford good coffee versus cheap, for talking about how country music isn't what it used to be, and how their neighbor is always talking too loud.  I am so mad at people who don't appreciate the ones around them and get angry over stupid unimportant inconvenient minute details.  I am so mad at people for missing the point of Christmas, for being so self righteous, for hurting their families, for forgetting they are not the center of the universe.  We all hurt sometime, every single one of us.  You are not the only one in pain!

                   I am not the only person mourning. 

There are millions mourning loss right now.  How do I know this? ISIS is beheading Christians, kidnapping children, making sex slaves of women. Someone is shooting someone right now, someone else is trying to revive a dying person, or operating on someone in a hospital, someone innocent is begging for mercy. 

And me?  I am begging for mercy too.  I am begging God  to revive our land, raise up the strong men and women who will not "go quietly into that good night" who will love others.
 
It is as if our world has gone crazy and everyone is griping and whining and grasping at STUFF instead of hugging the ones they love and praying for the innocent and enslaved.  I alternate between crying over my own losses, being mad at the world and being so broken hearted for the lonely, left behind, or sad. It has always been my gift (or curse depending on how you look at it) to look for those people who like me are broken on the inside and try to help them in some way. 

This year is different though.  My strength is gone. My heart is broken, and my light has dimmed. I need God the way we need water.  I cannot live without an infusion of his strength.  "Like the deer pants for the water so my soul longs for thee..." I sing to him.

I cannot live without his strength, his love, and my reason for being on this earth. 

What reason is there to live other than to LOVE?

Ask yourself that.  What reason is there to live?  It is to love.  Love one another.  Love someone more than you love money or your stupid car, your fancy house, your big stupid COOL job that makes you feel better than other people until you die. 

Whatever, get over yourself.

Just love somebody.

  Love the sick, the poor in spirit, the innocent. Love the ones who are hard to love.  Love yourself enough that loving your neighbor as yourself actually feels good to the neighbor.

If all you think about is your own pain, then how can you love?  If all you think about is what you personally have lost, you will never recover.  So in spite of my pain and difficulty, I do love you.  I love all of you.  I may not always do it right or well.  I may not tell you enough, but I love you.  I love you because you are valuable to my God and are beautiful in his sight. 

Your skin color is a crayon in a box, just another pretty one to color our world.  Your religion and your family maybe the paper you color on, but you are God's creature, great or small and I love you.  All the stuff in your life that you work so hard to get and impress people with are actually stains and stickers that don't even stick. They are meaningless when you lose someone.  They are meaningless when you die.  They are meaningless when you go through an illness that you have no control over.  This is the time to wake up and start to live. 

To live and give love is the reason we are here, because when you start to love, you are a reflection of creation, the design of order in the universe, the perfect cog in the machine that is our world.

Thank God that we are not alone.  Thank God that someone somewhere cares even when you don't know it or are able to feel it.  Thank God there is something more than this moment

I love you because He loves me.

In the service of all that is bigger than me,

trying to get a grip on my broken heart and to love,

Kim
for a dose of joy and ways to feel happy REad this next post:
Life Lesson 62:

 my top 7 habits for happiness.
- See more at: http://www.kimberlycarol.com/101-life-lessons/7habits-of-happy-people#sthash.eXlXBXte.dpuf

I have to remind myself who I am often.  Faced with so many decisions every day, knowing who I am, knowing what I believe in, and how I want to live my life is vital.  Consider that it is less confusing to walk a path we have consciously chosen. 

If we know where we are going in general, who we are as a person, (or for some of you, as a Christian), we will make decisions that line up with that image in mind.  We will make less mistakes, hurt less people, be a better person.

Integrity is about wholeness, letting your life tell a story that matches your inner truths. 

With this goal in mind, I have created a belief system that I try to live by, so that when confronted with a situation or decision, I know myself, who I want to be, and consequently what to do.   I had to figure out who I was and what I believed in order to walk that out.

What lessons have you learned that you know without a doubt you will not repeat or that were a bad idea?  What things do you admire in others and want to be part of yourself?  What is your gut reaction to injustice or what things that make you happy or angry? Those things can give you a clue to who you really are on the inside.  I bet that girl or guy is a much better person than you have allowed him or her to be.

Who are you now and who do you want to be as a person?  What will people say of you when you are gone?  Are you proud of how you would be described?

A side issue that comes up the most when thinking of these things is our inner voice.  The dialogue in your head, the voices from the past who might have told you what your failures were.  Some of us carry critical, mean spirited, close-minded ugliness voices that shouldn't be allowed to part of who we are. 

Choose to let go those and pick your life descriptors. 

It is within your power to change your story.  God gave us brains, his words, friends, understanding, but also will.  We have to choose or allow change in order for our will to get in line.   

I want to be kind, truthful, generous, educated, Godly, constantly learning, a listener, a reader, an educator, an encourager, youthful, joyful, life giving, humble, flexible, steady, a good mom and grandmom, orderly, creative, surrounded by beauty, and

one who hears the truth in others, allows others to have flaws, mostly one who loves.

Not an easy list, but all great goals, worthy of effort and who I want to be. 

Here in kimberlycarol.com I write about these things as I learn from my own experiences and observations.  Part of "who I am" is the desire to be a learner, an encourager, and a life giver, so these life lessons are one of the ways I live that.  

Walk in your chosen  way.  Find your integrity. 

I pray for your transformation, your vitality, and your greater purpose.

With hope and prayers for you,
Kim

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How do you respond to critique?  Criticism?  Attack?  Verbal assault?  Analysis of your work?

Someone commented to me recently that I seemed to take a difficult critique well.  He said, "Kimberly, I've never seen anyone accept what could have been taken as a painful critique with more openness and self-awareness."  My internal response was wow, that is growth, and  I am writing that particular mentor a thank you right after this post for his kind words. 

The whole discussion prompted me to consider a new Life Lesson.  



Life Lesson 101. Take the best, leave the rest. 
This lesson is so important that I reopened this section.  It reminds me that we never stop learning. 

I suppose the answer to how we might respond to criticism depends on our personal view of ourselves and the how-when-why-what-where-who from the other side. 

It used to be hard to receive constructive criticism, but I don't have that same chip on my shoulder anymore. To bristle against criticism is reflexive, but with maturity should dissipate, but what if you have a rejection chip on your shoulder or a rejection filter where everything sounds like rejection?   Why does it matter if you do? 

I have struggled with rejection in the past in many areas and constructive criticism could be mistaken for a form of rejection.  "I did not like what you did, therefore I don't like you."

But walking around with a big chip on our shoulders keeps us from learning new things, being a better person, getting promoted, making friends, and creates loss of community.  We are difficult to coach if we can't handle being told a better way to do something.  We are difficult to work with if we always jump to our own defense before we hear someone out.  In relationships, we don't allow other opinions if we think we are always right. 

We also close our ears to the opinions of others, if we think people don't listen to us.  

People who can't take criticism often come across as weak, lacking confidence, unattractive, pitiful or angry and a myriad of adjectives that are not positive.

1.  First, mentally force yourself to take the chip off your shoulder and try listening to what is being said. 

Learning from constructive criticism that is delivered in a healthy way, by someone who excels at what they are talking about (or who you have asked), makes you a better person.  When you receive what is said with grace and discernment, it is a sign of maturity and self confidence. 

It doesn't make you less for someone to find a weakness in you or a mistake you made.  Someone's opinion does not take away from anything you have done that you thought you did well.  Stand by your work, but allow yourself to hear what others say.

It won't hurt unless you treat it as rejection.  You can choose how to take it.


2.  Consider the source

There is great wisdom to be gleaned by paying attention to constructive criticism.  Allowing mentors, people we admire, and experts to give us direction and good advice is a sign of a healthy person.  I am not talking about those voices that constantly find fault with you and are a berating unkind voice in life, but those that are expressing a well intentioned voice of knowledge that can help you get better at something.  The old adage "consider the source" comes to mind.

3. Consider the intention

If you asked someone their opinion, don't bristle when they give it. Just listen and agree or disagree.  If the criticism comes from someone you care about and who cares about you, consider that their intentions are probably honorable. The source is an important element as to whether you should listen and receive or let it roll off your back. 

There are times that we need positive support, and outright criticism can be hurtful and not constructive.  "Here is how you are wrong" conversations can be delivered as judgment of someone.  Attacks on someone's character is an example of a place where no one grows.  I wrote about those types of attacks in Life Lesson 100.  Sitting someone down and telling them how wrong they are in a judgmental self righteous way is an assault.  Being judgmental when someone is hurting is unkind.   I take it one step further.  If you are not truly helping someone with the best intentions and in real love, then keep your mouth shut.  If you are delivering an indictment without all the facts, keep your mouth shut. 

4.  If the tone is unkind, self righteous, ugly, or delivered in anger that is not justified, do not take it to heart or listen further.
The tone that we deliver criticism is an important part of the process.  If criticism or fault finding is not given with good intention and in a healthy tone of voice, it is an attack and will create negative responses.

You can take constructive criticism that is delivered well and with good intentions in several ways. One response is to be defensive and come across as a big baby lacking in confidence.  This is especially true in a setting where you could learn something!. You are tossing away an opportunity to be a better you.  Smarter, wiser, greater, more interesting!

Secondly, listen to or read the constructive criticism and consider what might be taken from it.  Take the best parts and keep that thought.  Could you consider thinking "I might I need to know that.  I might learn from one part of that.  What do I agree with in that?"

Finally, you can respond with confidence and agree or disagree.

If the criticism is an attack, you can say "Do not speak to me that way and in the future if you do not have something constructive to say, keep it to yourself." Or you can ignore what is being said if it is an attack.  I have used all of these just this week in different scenarios.  I have considered the source and rejected something that was said, I have fended off an attack, and I have learned from a mentor by gracefully receiving some good critical analysis of my poetry.   

You can do it.  Simply take the best and leave the rest.

Barefoot and writing,

Kim

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To read more about criticism and finding fault try these posts:  

When you are in a situation that you find yourself under attack read Life Lesson 100

When you find yourself losing friends because you are critical or think everyone else is too critical read Life Lesson 70 Letting go of the critical voice

When you know lack of confidence is affecting your life Read Life Lesson 25 Take the hand break off when driving your life  

"To conquer the thing that is keeping you down, you have to learn what IT is ... and when you are healing,  surround yourself with real positive support."

I went to therapy a couple of years back and the  psychiatrist  said I was reacting normally to loss, but recommended a family counselor and put me on meds to help me cope.

After months of counseling, my counselor concluded that what I felt was normal and expected, that I was well adjusted, but I needed to surround myself with more supportive people.

My lingering sadness was my reaction to the lack of compassion from others in my life after many great losses.  Isn't that strange?  Not just the losses from my youth, but the most recent, that I had to leave my marriage to save myself.

It was not what I expected to hear.  I was wondering what was wrong with ME.
After therapy with the psychiatrist, then months with a family counselor, and finally a spiritual counselor, each came to the same conclusion that I needed to surround myself with people who were compassionate and supportive towards me.  I was stunned.  I use to say to my military husband that I needed someone to have my back, because I did not have parents or live in one place long enough (20 married moves, 26 years) to develop the type of friendships we need to sustain sanity.  No relatives nearby, no sisters or close friends nearby, nothing familiar, I needed our relationship to be safe and strong.  Dealing with his own stuff, he began to block me out. When I could no longer keep us both functioning, I felt I had to leave and go to live closer to my brothers and best friend in another state to save myself. 

The rejection, criticism, perfectionism, and judgment that followed almost sent me over a bridge, but I still didn't really believe that was the problem.

I had conquered so much.  How could that be the source of my lingering sadness?  Why do I still feel that loss?  What the counselor pointed out was that (after all of my grieving over the deaths of my parents when I was young, the murder of my best friend's husband, war, moving repeatedly, and serious illness), I had found peace each time and wanted to share it.  With God's help, I conquered the pain, and gave emotional support to others. As I taught what I had learned and served my church and family, I was accepted, 

but when I left my husband, I personally lost almost all of the emotional and family support systems in my life.

That loss of emotional support created new grieving.

It is true that I had wondered where were the friends and family asking "What happened?  Are you Ok?  How can we help?"  But I got more of, "What is wrong with you?  How could you do this?  You are in sin. Divorce is wrong.  How can you be a Christian and do this?  How can you teach going the extra mile or making an effort to understand your spouse, be a spiritual leader, and then leave your husband of 26 years?  How could you do this to him?  Thought you were an example of a great marriage, you let us down.  You let everyone down." Or in some cases, just plain out right hostility or accusations.

I was rejected by those I needed to help me get through it.  After a life of service, I was blindsided by the lack of compassion for me or my situation.

During all of the chaos afterwards, I fell in love with an old flame, and it was the love and acceptance for me that I did not know I needed so badly.  Then the relationship became one of betrayal, pain, and rejection.  Another failure in the eyes of those watching.  I really crashed during its demise.

The place I had retreated to was not safe and I began to unravel again!  With my best friend and brother's help, I somehow climbed out of the new hole and wondered how I would trust anyone or future choices.  It took me a year to recover.  And yet my instincts are to trust, to care, to show compassion and empathy for those the world has cast off or rejected.  I still did not realize that what I was missing personally was the same level of support, acceptance, compassion, and respect that I try to give.

It is hard to admit this.  

I did not really believe that my struggle was NOT with myself inside (which is something I thought I could fix).  I DID NOT SEE that my struggle was allowing myself to let go of /or put space between myself and relationships that were critical, self righteous, or damaging.

Until now.

I believe it now.

To conquer the thing that is keeping you captive in your life, you have to know what IT IS.   
In our weakest moments, our down and out moments, the ability to articulate what is going on inside is crucial, but what if you don't know what is going on?  What if some unknown sadness sits on you like a suffocating cloud and you can't shake it?

That is why some people need counseling or therapy to figure out exactly what the root of its power is. 

We need to know what IT is.  We need to know the source of our depression, anxiety, pain, anguish, sadness, or lack of emotion in order to conquer it.  Not to focus on it, but to get rid of its power in our lives.

My IT was lack of support from people I trusted, lack of compassion for me.

That is hard to say.  Surrounded by many strong personalities, my compassionate nature came across as weakness. Survival of the fittest, I was told once.  It is your own fault others said, the consequences.  

What my failure truly was: I found it hard to go away from family and many friends I had for a long time when they did not support me .  I tried to be bigger than that, understand their position, give them grace.

I also tried all of the therapies recommended to me for my depression, and more that I discovered along the way: counseling, medication, music, color, light, leaving the house, saying yes to invites, writing, giving of myself in charitable ways, surrounding myself with a new support system, laughter, avoiding sources of pain or sadness, and reviving my prayer life, and the best therapy-writing about all of them here. 

But to heal I had needed to know what I was dealing with.

Life Lesson 99:  Find out what is ailing you, what IT is that is destructive to your soul and deal with it.

You take its power when you identify it.  You can demolish it, remove it, or let it go when you know what it is.

Quit trying to figure out "the why," or reason it away, and pray instead, go in a new direction.  When you find out "what" it is, give it a name, and tell it that it has no more power over you and send it away.  You can't change or fix anyone but you, so go ahead and get rid of the anchor.  

Life Lesson 100: While you heal, surround yourself with people who support you, appreciate you, and honor your friendship. 

If you are one of those helpful people always pointing out what is wrong with other people, maybe you need to consider the self righteous plank in your own eye.  If you find yourself speaking in a condescending manner, it is just as wrong as the sin you think you are addressing.  People are hurting.  You don't know what they are dealing with or have been through.  You may not be able to imagine what horror has visited their lives.  Give them a break.  Have some compassion.

Don't we all need someone who will defend our honor?  

And for those who think I am too soft, compassion is not my weakness, it is my gift.  I am so thankful that there are people in my life who look back at me with compassion, appreciation, and respect.

Ask yourself, "Am I one of the vultures who circles and says that he/she got what they had coming," or "look at him/her, a bad person, see how good I am?  Look at all the good I do?  And how much better I handle money/family/love/my kids blah, blah, blah."

We should say "But for the grace of God go I," and stop throwing stones and judging the fallen.  You may be next.

Iron sharpening iron does not mean hitting someone in pain upside the head with your supposed knowledge of how they are wrong.  No one but those involved ever knows the whole story.  There are a thousand approaches; self righteous judgment and criticism is not one that is helpful or in line with Christian kindness.
         
I fall, I get up.  And each,time I enter a place and find it unsafe, I retreat and search for solid ground.  


Don't give up. 


Barefoot, respecting myself, and still caring that you might be hurting,


Kim

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Most mornings when I get up, I am like the energizer bunny.  Busy, efficient,  happy.  I have things to do and accomplish; I have purpose. There are those random days however, that I can't sleep, and I wake up fretful instead of refreshed.  I call those weird can't put my finger on the exact problem, anxious days. On those days, I wish there was a 911 for stress and anxiety, so I could pick up the phone and hear someone say,

"It will be ok.  You are alright,  someone has this covered, just find a spot to sit back, relax, and breathe.  We got this."

Even if we have a friend or spouse, daughter, mom, dad, brother, professor, colleague...to vent to, there are still moments when we are completely on our own and have to deal. 

There are days when we have to swim the raging river alone.
Those days are the ones where my personal faith becomes so important.  I believe in self help, encouragement, being an adult, standing up and facing reality, on and on. But, for those who believe in a higher power, something greater and stronger than ourselves, it is a relief to think that someone somewhere has a handle on things. 

I can't explain why bad things happen.  Some of it is a result of our own issues or doing something dumb.  Some of it is that we constantly say negative things creating truth out of the negative we believe, self sabotage.  Much of it is just life, the result of someone else's mistake or neglect.  And then there are those bad things that happen to good people that bring us to our knees and make us wonder "Why?  Why did this awful thing happen?"  What is strange about that is that sometimes that very bad thing turns into something wonderful, but we might not see it until later.  Finally, there are things for which we have no explanation and cannot reason away or fix.

So beyond positive thinking, working on daily happiness, and trudging through the fire, I have somewhere I can go and talk about those things with, a friend who hears me whenever I call.  

He is my 911.  Truthfully, I have heard answers that were astounding and almost beyond belief, which only served to increase my faith.  Sometimes I don't get an answer, and then later a simple thing will happen that changes everything and I feel the presence of something beyond the ordinary. 

I said in my book The Barefoot House, that when my mother died I needed God's presence, his "profound involvement."  I wanted to feel him, see his care, beyond the ordinary.  I could not reason away losing my mother, and then my father, then a war, then a murder, and another.   In my almost wholesome life up until that point, I could not understand it. At all.

In the darkest places, where the anxiety won't pass, the heartache that is too much, the mind that won't cooperate, there is light.  
  
 
Life Lesson 97:  There is something beyond the ordinary.  Something that we also can't explain. 

Writing and believing in the extraordinary,

Kim

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Life Lesson 88:  Let go of what you can't control.

For someone who talks about confidence, liking ourselves, and being our best selves everyday, I sure can mess things up sometimes.  In fact, every lesson I write about has a basis in first hand experience in some way.  I have screwed up...a lot, and just like everyone else, I struggle with self esteem and self image, and want to be a better person.  I appreciate that I have a forum to work through issues (or I would spend time in therapy instead.)


Sometimes I say things that I wish I hadn't, or occasionally, I get impatient and do the bull in the china shop thing.  It's rare, but if I am super tired,  pushed beyond what I can handle (or had that second glass of wine), and someone crosses that big line with me, I might just let it rip.  It's so rare that it freaks people out, because normally I am patient.  I do apologize if I am at fault, forgive if they are, but then I have to let it go.The power of a prayer of forgiveness is the letting go, and refocusing our attention on something besides ourselves and the wrongs in our lives.

Life Lesson 96:  Quit dragging around that anchor

Turn your attention to the good stuff, refocus

In contrast, insecure folks spend a lot of time thinking about how to make others like them, how to get attention, how they look to others, how to impress or be included, or the depression side of it-HOW THEY HAVE FAILED, how people have failed them.  This is attention turned inward, and failure focus leads to depression, defensive behavior, and health issues. 

A bad self image or being insecure is self focused, a lack of self worth, eyes turned inward.

A bad self image is the opposite of true humility that sees the worth and dignity of all people (including yourself) and that is outward focused.

You are not a failure.  You failed. Say I am sorry.  Move on.  If someone failed you, forgive them.  They are human like you.  Everyone makes mistakes.  (I know, I don't know what they did, or what you did, but it is weighing you down like an anchor dragging along the bottom of the sea.) 

Let it go, turn your attention away from yourself and get to doing someone good for your fellow man (that includes being a happier person).  What does it accomplish to dwell there? Who does it help?  Better yet, who does it hurt?  

How many hours and days have been wasted dwelling on all the things you think you have done wrong, or how you have been wronged?

The people it hurts are the ones you love as well as yourself.  Decide to quit being mad at them, mad at you, and LET IT GO.  Turn your attention to the good stuff instead, and refocus. 

Barefoot and letting go of the anchors,
Kim

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My sweet rescue cat Sophie was injured when she was attacked by some unknown animal.  Her response after the surgery to repair her kitty arm was to hide underneath things in dark places, alone.  It has been hard to medicate her and doctor her wound after surgery, since she stays hidden.  She only comes out to lay on my chest, and be petted at night (well and to eat).  I feel just like that right now myself.  I want to crawl in somewhere safe and cozy and be alone.  I hear some of you asking "Why?"

Do you have someone in your life that makes you crazy? Not in a good way, like when we fall in love or act nuts with our closest friends, but the person who brings out your worst self, the one you did not even know existed till you were pushed to the brink. 

There was someone in my life who made me crazy.  I turned into a different person altogether when he was in the room by the end of our relationship.  I began to snap and stress, feel angry, cry, and occasionally have a panic attack, then I wanted to hide out and be completely alone.  He stressed me out so bad I had to take anti-depressants to function.

We don't have a current relationship, but when I talk to him, whether he is civil or sweet, or not, it doesn't take long until I become the person I was at the end of our relationship: guarded, angry, defensive, and feeling rejected, small, and empty.  Those things stayed with me when we broke up, just hidden from sight.

No one else has ever brought this negative person out in me for more than a moment, but him.  In all these years, I found a way to be patient, attempted to be kind and talk things out with people, walk through things with people. I remained friends with people I dated.  It was a rare thing to meet someone with whom I could not find some common ground. 

Recently I met someone and realized that I can recognize other train wrecks in post mortem just by the way someone handles the small things in relationships.  And I think I have come to the conclusion that there is a big life lesson in that. 

Life Lesson 95: We need time to process and heal, so we don't create another trainwreck.

 These days I am cautious and determined to never be in any situation that brings out such negative in me again.  My patience does wear thin much quicker now, and I speak up as soon as I have an issue with someone and those are good changes for me personally.  I also look for red flags and have avoided a lot of heartache by simply not letting myself get involved with someone who would push my buttons.  I am aware that there are those who might try to take advantage of my helper/fixer love on everybody personality, so I make sure my relationships are of equal care.  I used to be able to love the hard to love so easily, now I avoid those types of situations, because I am not in the place at this moment to be patient and help solve problems with someone who might not be capable of returning love.  I need to refuel first.

So what great lesson can I derive from the crash site of a train wreck long since past?  Cleaning up the crash site should help through the ongoing process of forgiving him, forgiving myself, and only allowing positive relationships in the future, but there is something more.

I got frustrated with myself this weekend when I said some things I should not have to this same person (I should not have had a conversation at all, after I promised myself I wouldn't have contact.)  He did not do anything this time to provoke me, it was all me. 

It is as if all of his frustration and anger with life lingered with me, only to erupt with him again as the trigger.  The past has caused me to create a wall of protection between me and this person. 

Looks like I have some personal work to do to let go of all of that again, to not beat myself up, and to move on A-gain...It makes us look bad when we erupt at someone out of the blue due to old baggage.  We turn into the bad guy.

The result is that  I am feeling the need to go to ground, hide out, and be alone.  It is not a good feeling, but I need to get a better attitude, so I don't unleash on some unsuspecting road rager or rude person.  (One thing for sure is that I know how to completely express my displeasure with someone now.)

Sometimes we just need to be alone for a little while to deal with the baggage from a past relationship.  The need to self protect is not a personality flaw as long as we come back out after a while.  Healing is not the same as wallowing, so instead of stewing, we can spend our time actively forgiving, feeding our minds with positive things (music, great comedies, scripture, love from friends and family).  Take some time, work on yourself and love will find you.  You don't have to look.

Finally, don't be tempted to try to resurrect something with someone, if it did not work with in the past.  Let it go.  Let them go.  The ones who bring out your worst self should stay where you left them.  In the past.

Barefoot and letting go,

Kim  

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I don't know where to start.  For the first time since I started my blog in 2012, I haven't posted in Life Lessons for over a week.  This section is where I used to post every day.  Guess we can't be perfect. I want to laugh here, but it is half hearted and a little whiny.  

I had a tough week involving some complicated things.  That is the whining part.  The thing about my blog is that it is a journal of sorts and my feelings this week were so all over the place that one minute I would feel great and be conquering the world, and the next, dealing with another crisis.  I kept moving and dealt with things, but did not take the time to write.  It is as if I ran out of gas, or in reality let myself run out of gas.  

On this beautiful spring day, I have to admit that just yesterday I felt like a deflated balloon, not the ray of sunshine I have been for a while, as if someone socked me in the stomach.  The moment my proverbial breath left my body, I was reminded that my happiness and contentment was under assault and I needed to guard the treasure.  Our desire to be happy has to be coupled with taking hold of it and not letting circumstance or other people to take it from us.  It is WORK; it is active. 

 I will get up again, take a deep breath, and put a smile on my face.  I will actively reboot and guard my happiness with ferocity.

All of this writing has revealed to me how fragile true happiness and love are, and I don't want to lose what I have gained.  I have learned so much in the last couple of years writing about the observations and what they reveal.

Things may not be the way I want them to be, but we can't know where each road will take us.  Who knows what great things lie ahead?

Some of life's greatest gifts come from our darkest times.  "Don't forget, " I tell mysef, "I  am a living example of someone rising from the ashes more than once. Go brush your teeth, wash your face, and decide to look for the good stuff."

Is this difficulty in my life a blessing in disguise?  Sometimes it takes a while to see it, but worth letting the pain go and concentrating on something better.  Just letting something go is cathartic.  I say to myself, "Who knows what great things lie ahead?"

Here's to looking ahead with hope, that great days are more numerous than few, and maybe,... we will allow happy to come camp out at our houses for a longer than just a while. 

Life Lesson 94: Maybe that gaping hole in the fence is a road to somewhere great instead of something that needs repair.

Barefoot, looking for silver linings and roads to somewhere great,

Kim

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you might also enjoy:  Let go, to make room for happiness 

I was reading this morning and had one of those ah ha moments.  The story was about two people falling in love.  (Big surprise I am sure, considering what a romantic I am.) 

The ah ha moment came when the lead character said that "Why the *@! would he want to be with someone who held a mirror up to his flaws?"

There it was, a truth staring me right in the face. 

Life Lesson 93: Someone who loves you holds a mirror up to your flaws, but doesn't see you as flawed.

They bring out your best, as in the biblical iron sharpening iron.  The mirror they hold up will reveal weaknesses, but they don't use them against you when you both are in it together.


They believe in you.



Here it comes:  It can be uncomfortable to be believed in by someone that knows your flaws and weaknesses.  They might expect something. 

If you have been through a difficult relationship in the past, it is hard to believe that someone will accept your flaws, and not hurt you in the same way.  The problem and solution lies within each of us.

We have to accept ourselves to believe someone else will. 

That is why relationships are not easy.  We want to be with someone that always makes us feel good, but even the best relationships reveal our flaws.  Our best friends call us out occasionally right? 

People who love us don't worship us, they accept us.  That don't think we are perfect.  Our real friends/relationships want us to have better lives and make great decisions.  They want us to be happy.

What if we let someone down?  Or fail?  Will we then lose their love? 

Will we be a failure?  Isn't it easier to not commit?  Isn't it easier to not get involved?

It took me a while to figure out why certain relationships did not work, but being humble enough to see your flaws and not be self righteous or defensive takes a big man or woman.  Sounds like work to many people, but when you meet someone who makes you feel fantastic, it is not a small thing.  How many times in your life have you met someone that you could not stop thinking about?  Don't waste it by being afraid.  

As your real self slowly emerges, the one who loves you won't run.  They will look in the mirror with you. 

The caveat is that both of you have to be ready and timing is everything. 

Barefoot and not afraid of the mirror,

Kim

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or It takes more than love to make a relationship last


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I feel beautiful and smart, sassy and soft like a breeze, not waiting for someone to tell me that.  At first it was uncomfortable.  Even when I felt beautiful, I could not say it. 

It felt self focused or vain to feel beautiful, but to be truly beautiful is anything but vain. 

True beauty is my best me.

When I give myself to the world without censor or fear, seeing the best in myself and others, it is beautiful.

It is a positive outlook not dependent on anyone for happiness.  In my life, it is security in God's love and unmerited favor, so I can extend that to others as it has been modeled to me by God.

I do unto others as I would do for myself...the golden rule, because I like myself, I see beauty there.  I model God's love for me to others. 

Life Lesson 92:   Love and acceptance of myself is a golden filter

This love and acceptance is the filter through which I see the rest of the world.   

I write in my blog about the ways that we feel and think attracting people and things to us, because we will move and think in the ways our minds and hearts lean.

I don't think it is cosmic (as in the law of attraction), but we naturally gather to us what we think about.  We will see something we are thinking about in the world around us and be drawn to it.  (When we are car shopping for instance, we see the car we are thinking about on the highway, at the bank, in the parking lot.  We start dreaming of ways to get it, and our brain goes to work putting us with the car.)

The step beyond thought is "What beliefs  accompany your thoughts?"

We work on getting the car of our dreams, if we believe we deserve it or believe we can have it.




Belief is the filter that colors the lens through which we view the world. 

Basically, we accept or reject thoughts that come to our minds based on our beliefs.

Then we gather those things to ourselves in the way that we believe.

We draw love or repel love based on our beliefs about love.  We act beautiful when we feel beautiful.  We are loving, if we feel worthy to be loved.

We allow love if we believe in love.

We love based on what we believe about love.  Stay with me and read on!

Our minds seek to reproduce what we see as our reality, to reconcile our inner man with our outer world.  An instant resolve of thought and environment. Some of what transpires in our lives is out of our control, but what about the parts we bring on ourselves?  Don't we want that to be good?   

1.  What we believe becomes our reality. Thoughts become things.  Faith becomes substance. 

FAITH 

Hebrews 11:1 King James Version (KJV) 11 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (www.biblegateway.com) 

Our deepest convictions become our reality, so we must be careful to remove/release what is not good and focus on the good God has for us.

2.  As a man thinks, so is he.  We are what we think about, light or dark, good or bad.   


THOUGHT

Proverbs 23:7 King James Version (KJV)  7 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he...
(Bible Gateway.com)

3.  If we see/believe/think about ourselves as beautiful and a child of a loving /caring/ good God, then "Do to others as you would have them do to you" makes sense,  (Luke 6:31, Mathew 7:12 NKJV) because we will do our best (to others, for others) believe the best (in ourselves, in others) and give the best (of ourselves, to God, to others).

BELIEF

and when seeing the best...we will give our best, then we will find ourselves given to....

4.  When we give the best:  It will be given to us as well.
Luke 6:38New King James Version (NKJV)

GIVEN BACK

38 Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.” from http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+6%3A38&version=NKJV


What we believe about God is relevant...If we believe he is in charge and that he is sending good things our way, we will recognize the good around us, and grab hold of it.

We will seize the day! Carpe diem!   If we believe that God love us and wants what is best, we will smile and accept his gifts that are life giving and full of promise. 

What we believe about ourselves is also paramount.

If we love ourselves, if we accept ourselves, we will be more likely to love and accept others.

True beauty is belief is goodness, love and acceptance, a golden filter through which to see the world.  It is life giving, so when I look in the mirror and see beauty, I share it.  I give it.  I reflect it.

I radiate the kind of love I believe in.

You do too. so what kind of love do you believe in?

Barefoot and accepting a golden filter,

Kim

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How many times have you been faced with a big decision and considered every angle and every person's opinion only to wish later you had gone with your gut?

A couple of years ago, I was living in a very negative situation and wanted to change the direction my life was going.  I wanted to move to a house that fit my lifestyle better, and suited my chosen profession as a writer.  I found a place that was quiet, convenient, full of light, one level, and a private place, where I could write uninterrupted and with less stress.

There was someone in my life who did not want me to move at all, because it was not what he wanted.  At the time, he was rarely home and had a life outside of our relationship that I knew nothing about.  Worse, only a couple of people in his life knew about me.  So, I moved.

I took the oars and rowed my boat to a new place.

It made him angry with me, but I am so glad I chose what was best for me.   I was not a priority in his life.  He did not consider me before he made decisions or made plans, so living my life as if we were a team was a fantasy.  We had talked so many times about what we wanted, but we were not truly a "we." 

I used to consider everyone's feelings before I made decisions, weighing the pros and cons, and how everyone would feel if I did A. or B., but we have to remember that we are living our own lives.  I am not responsible for your feelings unless we agree to that as in marriage, a partnership, parenting, or work.  Even then, there are firm limits on how much I allow your issues or your feelings to play a role in a decision that I will have to live with. 

I was trying to be considerate of others each time I made a decision.  I didn't want to hurt anyone or make anyone else's life difficult. How many people do you think considered my feelings or my life with that much time or effort?  Whose fault is it then when I make a decision based on you, and you make decisions based on you, but no one considers me?

It is mine. 

We can't live our lives based on other's lives.  There are times when we have different priorities such as children or a job that is seasonally busy, and that is a time when a prior decision determines priority.  We made the children, so we are responsible to raise them while they are in our care.  We took the job, so we are responsible to do it well.  But our priorities get muddled when we mix in other people's priorities.  If I make major life decisions based on who might not like it, I will never move forward.

It is not my responsibility to please anyone other than God, myself, and fulfill my immediate responsibilities that I have created or chosen.  I choose my job or I can quit.  I choose to love my family or I can limit time with those who create negative situations.  I choose to pay my bills on time (or suffer the consequences).  I choose to take care of my car and my sweet animals. 

God will guide me, but he will not force me to be a better person.  He will give me the wisdom and faithfulness to follow his plan, but it is still my choice, and I am aware that I can mess up.

I no longer make decisions based on other people's priorities or let their created emergencies become mine.  There are things we cannot help as in some illness or financial devastation, and I gladly step in to help those in my corner of the world with love.  I do that because one of my priorities is to help those I love, but I still choose.  

Our lives, and how we live them is a collection of choices that we make.  We may not realize that we make choices every minute, but not paying attention doesn't change the fact that we decide direction and the means to get there.

Life Lesson 91:  We are the ones in our boat.  Who we allow to row is up to us.

Barefoot and writing,

Kim

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The warm weather had me feeling renewed yesterday morning and made me want to do.  Clean up, finish some chores, play, sing, walk, visit, write.  I was so affected by warm weather and sunlight shining through the windows.  It was as if a weight was lifted with the vanishing grey.

Life Lesson 90:  We can choose life, rain or shine.

This morning when I awoke, the fog had rolled in and the skies are white.  I can't see the sea from my terrace, but I can still hear her.  The surge of waves crashing on the beach and retreating back to the ocean depths is hypnotic, and I let them wash over my mind.

With each waves crash, I let go of all that troubles me or brings me sadness, and those feelings slide into the ocean as the waves withdraw.  Closing my eyes, I choose not to dwell or regret, worry or ponder anything but the good things in front of me.  I choose that good feeling from yesterday. 

I choose sunshine days, books I can't put down, ocean views, chilled wine, warm breezes, love,

starlight and moonbeams.


my grandchildren, my lovely daughter, long drives in the mountains, music that soothes the soul,

sun warmed skin, walks on the sand, outdoor dinners,  laughing with friends in that crazy-can't breathe way, candlelight, bare feet, and dreams.

I pray you are also feeling more energetic and more hopeful today.  I choose life.  Can you?  Just let those words roll off your tongue...I choose life. 

I choose to accept myself, to be happy, whether rain or shine.

Barefoot and writing,

Kim

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When I write, so much of it is the most recent lesson I've learned.  Or been reminded of, or re-learned.  None of us have arrived and life is a constant teacher.  Sometimes no matter how positive we are, life kicks us in the teeth and we react in ways we thought we conquered.

I write now and then about loss, a thing in life that people deal with on a daily basis.  We lose jobs and situations.  We lose people through death, breakups, divorce, or change of geography, but each time I lose someone or something I think, "I will handle it better the next time."  There is always room to handle things with more grace, more care, a better attitude.  I am tested again and again, and though loss comes in many forms, some losses can't be talked away, prayed away, or hidden.  They hurt.  Even if we manage to block it out for a while, we will eventually have to deal with the loss and its companions: loneliness, emptiness, denial, anger, hurt, sadness, depression, or numbness and shutting down.  

Life Lesson 86:  Sometimes we have to trudge through the pain and feel the loss, but we don't have to do it alone. Let someone be there for you.  Let someone know you are hurting.

I pray that anyone reading this who is dealing with loss finds comfort and strength.  I pray that good things will over take you and you will have everything you need to move forward.

We won't have to stay in this difficult place forever.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  You and I will survive; we will feel good again.  It doesn't have to be today.  Feel the loss, deal with it, and you will eventually be able to move on, but talk to someone you trust.  I also have to pray or I could not deal with life. 

I think the most unusual thing about loss is that here in the midst of hard things, in the valley, we learn things we can't learn on the mountaintops. Our greatest lessons of thankfulness, gratefulness and humility are learned in the difficult times. 

It is green there in the valley and a river runs through it.

I pray for comfort, a guiding hand, clarity, and strength that is not my own, as you and I weather the losses of this year, while I write about the losses of yesteryear in my book project.

We don't have to weather things alone.

Barefoot and writing,

Kim

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you might also enjoy:  Life Lesson 85:  We matter.

Here I am sitting on my couch, attempting my first blog written and edited entirely on my I-phone. It may not seem like a big deal, but for me it is a huge change from a couple years ago . This week my computer battery failed, and I can no longer recharge or boot up my computer. Simple to fix when I get the new battery, but in the meantime the I-phone is my solution. Something I thought would be so difficult is actually easy and I have to laugh at myself. Funny how sometimes we have to be forced to move ahead or try something and it turns out to be great. So the life lesson today is 84:Don't be afraid to try something new in areas you are not adept. It is easy to try a new song if you are a musician, but harder to do it on a different instrument you have never played.

Barefoot and writing,

Kim

about the author

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you may also enjoy: life lesson 28 - saying what you want and need out loud

Simple.

Simple steps.

One step at a time. 

I like to break things into stepping stones to get somewhere or accomplish something.

 A few weeks ago, I walked into my garage and tripped over something.  The garage was a mess.  I don't even like going in there, but it annoyed me for a few days before I decided I needed to deal with it.  I have asthma and the garage is not a place where I should spend much time; too much dust flying around that I shouldn't breathe.  The problem was that I still needed to clean the garage.  So I decided that every day I walk out there and pick up one or two things and throw them away or move them to the right location.  Then a friend came to visit and moved something heavy for me.  Another friend picked up their items.  Slowly it is getting done without an asthma episode.  Initially, it was obvious I would have to hire someone, beg someone to help, or do it myself, so I broke it into simple steps.  One box, one rake, one mess at a time, NO STRESS. 

Life Lesson 82:  Break projects into simple steps and throw out the stress with the trash.  

1.  Decide what the problem to be solved is. Exactly. The one right now.  Not what might happen, not what has happened.  What is the problem right now?  There are several?  Put out the immediate fires, then: 

2,  Then break the rest into simpler steps.  

I have been feeling out of shape, because I used to go to the gym regularly and haven't in a while.  I decided the problem was that I needed some exercise but I don't  feel like going to the gym just yet in this cold.  So instead of being annoyed with myself, my solution has been to break it into parts.  Every time I go to the restroom, I do a couple back stretches.  When I make my bed, get dressed, or clean, I do leg lifts.  I started with ten in one position and now I am moving around doing several positions.  When I get up, I do side stretches.  When I let my dog out, I do something by the back door.  When I drive I do tush squeezes.  I laugh at myself, but it is actually starting to work.  As soon as I get up, I think about it.  It is almost like a weird game to add exercises to activities that are unrelated.  I can do 10 jumping jacks after I get the mail for instance.  

My friend and I have been on a closet purge.  We pick one closet a week that is driving us crazy and take an hour and empty it, clean it, and only put back what needs to be in there.  We have become excellent at throwing things out and giving things away or taking them to Goodwill, because we don't want to clean them anymore.

This week I had to prepare for company.  I needed to clean the bathrooms, mop, change the sheets, and clean the fridge a bit.  The dog needed a bath, the carpet needed spot cleaning,  and my guest room was dusty, so I picked one thing a day to add to my work day and the only thing I have left is washing the dog.

 From "Oh my gosh, I have a huge paper due!" to breaking it up, a big project can be knocked out this way.  "Today I will take notes and read.  Tomorrow more notes and the thesis, then the next, the sources page. The next day a body paragraph.  On the weekend, two more.  Next week, I will edit and add the introduction.  Small steps instead of trying to write a paper in a day.  Break it up. 

Put out the immediate fires, then just do one thing a day for the next week that is bugging you and reward yourself each time you accomplish something beyond your job and family responsibilities.  

Better yet, buy less, run fewer errands, throw things away, say "No" when you are overwhelmed, and clear the clutter out of your life.  Less clutter, less stress, less to clean, less to repair, less to deal with and take up space in your head.

Break it into simple steps.  Maybe start with the corner that you see first when you come home and clear it out.  When you do, your brain will feel better.  Tomorrow a counter or shelf.

Make things simpler by breaking them into simpler steps and eliminating some of the clutter in your life.

Life is a series of moments, make the moments more about good things and happiness, and less about maintaining clutter, stuff, and stress.

Being overwhelmed creates procrastination and stress, so break it up. 

Make it simpler.

Barefoot and keeping it simple,

Kim

About Kim

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Talking recently with a few girls and guys, I realized that we all think we are the exception to the rules.  We might make excuses for our various relationships or allow things we don't agree with.  Then when things go awry, why are we are surprised?  As compassionate and patient persons, there should still be boundaries, and we have to learn what ours are.  
It starts with a choice.  We can follow certain bad decisions to an inevitable conclusion and find the same consequences.  Even unintended consequences are still consequences, so consider your actions before the inevitable takes place.

  If you have hurt someone in the past or been hurt by certain decisions or scenarios, don't repeat those same things.  Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is ridiculous.

I was tested this way when I ignored a still small voice that said "No."  I agreed to see someone and let things get too serious too quick, when I felt there was a small possibility of an outcome that wasn't good.  From previous experience, I had some hard rules that once again I relaxed.  He was single, I was single, we clicked.  What was not to like?  And then, train wreck. 

Another scenario:  When someone tells you they want to see only you, but stray the minute you are out of town, it hurts. I have seen all forms of this scenario, but was so surprised when someone did this to me.  I ignored the small gut reaction I felt when a "HE" mentioned his ex, because I am not the jealous type.  I am confident and feel good about myself, so I don't feel threatened by other women, and the comment almost passed me by.  However, I took note when he mentioned a very specific preference.  I should have asked him right then about it, but it was a small thing.  I trusted that I would not get hurt by trusting the other person.  He was someone that others gave a good account of, someone respected by peers.  

TOP TEN RED FLAGS:


Life Lesson 80:

  Unintended consequences are still consequences

Ok: so here are the hard lessons/Big. Red. Flags. that have consequences, albeit "unintended."  I have learned in one way or another, most up close and personal:       

1.  When someone keeps mentioning their ex take note.  Though not always a problem since many people like myself get along with their ex, there will be signs that something is amiss if there is a problem.  One guy mentioned how much he liked short hair and I have long hair, not a big thing, but when he got back with his ex who had short hair, while I was out of town for a week, I realized I should have seen it coming and recognized a few other details and subtle red flags that had come up.

2.  When you are seeing someone exclusively, married to or living with someone, but he or she is unavailable on a holiday (and it has nothing to do with work, custody battles, or young children), and more importantly doesn't want you to accompany them to family stuff, walk away.  You are not the partner. 

3.  When you (in the same scenario) have to attend family gatherings alone, it is a red flag. 

4.  When someone wants sex early in a relationship and is not willing to commit, say no.  The hard part about this for me is not because of some huge moral issue.  It is because sex is personal.  Get personal with someone who wants to be personal with only you.  

Do you really want someone touching you who may have been touching someone hours before?  Especially intimately?

5.  I missed a red flag once when the suitor insisted he wanted to be exclusive and for me to be his girlfriend.  It was all wine and roses until the deed was done and poof, gone.  Wow.  Really?  I didn't expect that from a grown up that I cared about, but I learned a lesson.  If he is in a hurry for that, he is probably not going to stick around.  Let him prove himself.     

6.  Relationships where you are a secret will not end well for you.  Don't be with someone who hides your relationship.  (if you are both seeing each other secretly, that is a whole other ball of wax and you are on your own)

When your partner doesn't want to tell people about you, you are not his or her real partner. 

7.  When your partner spends a lot of time alone with his phone and computer with the door shut, it is not a good sign.  If they fuss at you about their privacy, there is a reason.  Partners shouldn't have to keep secrets from each other.  Again, there are exceptions, but most secrets in a relationship aren't good for the relationship.

8.  When a guys friends are all girls and he is straight, (and of course vice versa)...Big. Red. Flag.   

9.  Don't date those who are not truly available (separated, married, in love with someone else)  This last one was hard for me, because my divorce took a long time and I dated, but I was done.  I assumed wrongly that other separated people would be the same.  Don't assume they are done, even if they insist they are done.  Ask them if they are still in love with their ex.  You might surprised when they say yes.  That is not a good omen for your future relationship with them.  They are connected to someone else and until that connection is broken, you cannot make a new connection.  It does not make them a bad person.  They are just not ready for someone new.   

10.  I know every case is different especially if children are involved, but divorce is hard on the mental and spiritual state and people all react differently.  Some people would rather stay in the known relationship and let go of the new one to keep the peace.  Let them work it out without you in the middle of it.

If you are the one still in love with someone else, be upfront about it.  I don't see how you can form a new attachment with someone if you haven't let go of the old one.  This is one of the ways I should have raised a red flag against myself.  I wasn't ready and hurt someone.  It leads to heartache. 

BONUS:  One last thought:  (The number one bad behavior is to lie about your relationship status.  If you are married and lie about it, you are a scoundrel, STOP, IT IS SCUMMY behavior.  Quit chattin' up all the other married folk on facebook and get a divorce or go to counseling.)

So there you go. 

Have some self respect and figure out what lessons you should have learned from relationships.  Write them down and be aware of your patterns.  Don't date that same guy in different clothes, the same girl you always date if it doesn't turn out well.  I saw a pattern developing recently and narrowly avoided a new train wreck.  Start with your last few relationships.  Figure out what went wrong.  What was your part, and if it was just choosing wrong, then what change do you need to make?  Own that you chose and change it in the future.

Barefoot and writing,

Kim

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I own the decision I made to agree to a relationship with the people I learned these things from, so it is just as much my fault for ignoring the red flags.  Now I have a hard line about certain things and I will hold my ground to prevent further problems.  I have written posts about choosing well and not ignoring red flags, but this one was so subtle, and yet, I noticed. 

I did not trust my gut, even though I talk about this stuff every day. 
Here is a good place to say "Have the guts to admit to yourself and to others when you choose to enter into relationships with red flags flying."  

Take ownership.  How many times have you heard the phrase, "I did not intend to hurt you?"  If you are someone that finds yourself saying this or HEARING this, then examine how you got there in the first place and stop whatever activity that makes you have to repeat that phrase OR HEAR that phrase

I have been thinking about relationships and quality vs. quantity.  Some relationships are constant with two people being in the same room or space often.  They may have a great relationship and enjoy spending all of their free time together.  Then there is the couple that is always together, but never beyond flat.  Uninspired and just getting by, they are in the same room for much of the time, but the quality of the time is poor. So, the same old adage applies.  I prefer quality over quantity.


If people were to apply the effort to their relationships that they invest in their jobs, school, closet, personal appearance, or sports addiction, many more couples would make it.  The effort is not in the work, but the quality of the investment.  If you are a researcher, research a great new restaurant, find a new place to take your girl.  Look up music until you find a song that says what you want to say if words are difficult.  Take your natural gifts and invest those in your partner or desired partner the way you would a new job.

Life Lesson 79:  Give your relationships your quality time and the quality you.     

I hear people talk about work non stop and what a challenge it can be and how exciting it is to be challenged.  Applying that same attitude to figuring out how to make your partner smile or ridiculously inspired could have life long effects. 

"Imagine they are an account you want to secure, a client you want to please, a colleague you want to impress." 

If you are already a giver, give less volume and more quality.  One amazing moment will have more impact than volume for volume sake.  One special thing that required some time and thought to make happen will create a moment not soon forgotten.

Are you are throwing everything you have into a pile and trying to force it to burn, when all you need is one match and some accelerant?

I knew someone once who was a gift giver, but who seemed to hate it.  The person would give a gift and say, "Here, don't ask me for anything else."  The gift was given almost as if the person giving it were angry.  Whatever you give or invest in someone else should be done so with no expectation and with an attitude of love and care.  Even a smile and a good feeling is a gift.  If someone were to throw something at me, I don't think I would want to receive it. 

 "Something given with enthusiasm, no matter how small can truly change relationships."

I had someone that I was with tell me, "Well I'm here, what more do you want?" With him, I got the leftover hours, the tired, sick, grumpy, or lets run errands time.  Over time, the other relationships in his life got the cologne and weekend nights, the out of town trips, the holidays, drinks and laughter, the sparkle.  I may have had quantity, but the quality was spent elsewhere.  That is a shame and the reason it did not work.  I can only imagine what it would have been like to share the sparkle of life while I was the live in. 

Time given with happiness and not interrupted by checking the phone for messages and the time constantly is preferable and feels genuine.  Time given with the attitude of "I'm here but I really should be somewhere else or I want to be somewhere else" creates tension and resentment for both parties. 

"If you are with someone, be truly there with them, or don't spend the time with them in the first place."

We should be able to leave work at work, other "friends" and whatever other obligations we have sometimes.  I get that people are on call, but if you are able to go on a bender with your buddies and not go into work or constantly check the phone, why can't you do that when you are with your partner in equal measure? 

"Give your quality time to the important folks in your life, your smelling delicious and good clothes days, your smiling self, your good mood and generous moments."

It will change your life to invest your best self in the ones who are special to you.  Where you spend your best moments reveals your heart.   

Smilin' and writing,

Kim

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